We will begin with two quick but important statistics:

Number of times I’ve referred to the all-black barbershop where I now get my hair cut as “EXACTLY like the movie ‘Barbershop!’”: approx. 45

Number of times I’ve seen the movie “Barbershop”: 0

But it was in this place (LEGENDS, Detroit & Wilshire), during my last haircut (clippers, #5), where one of the barbers’ birthdays was being celebrated with loud K-DAY, a bottle of Hennessy and a stack of Styrofoam cups. (See? They do something EXACTLY like that in the movie probably!) And it was during this celebration, while I tried to figure out the etiquette for asking strangers for a midday cup of cognac, that I learned something truly weird:

On commercial radio, when they play Common’s “Go!”, the censors drop the word “ass,” but leave in the entire phrase “…like rain, when she came, it poured.”

So, evidently:

A word commonly used to refer to buttocks, which in the world of the song are a woman’s and for all we know fully covered (though we do learn that Common “got to pause, when [he] think[s] about her in them draws,” [first verse, ibid] so they’re most likely in underwear, but still): UNACCEPTABLE!

A phrase describing a torrent of female ejaculate so intense it soaks right through Common’s flimsy London Fog and tears his umbrella to ribbons: FINE. IN FACT, GO AHEAD AND PLAY IT IN THE DAYTIME.

Freaky like the daughter of a pastor. It got me thinking about “Sixteen Candles” and its catch phrase (which someone in a Hooters restaurant is repeating right this second) “No more yankee my wankee. The Donger need food!” If you happen to catch this movie on commercial television, you will notice that the line has become “No more Yankee rum drinkee. The Donger need food!”

So, evidently:

Dialogue indicating a consensual handjob between a naïve Chinese exchange student and a gruff but gentle track & field star- a handy whose completion he considers secondary to a first-date meal: FILTH!

Dialogue which changes the entire context of the relationship and which, since consent cannot be granted by an intoxicated person, indicates date rape: SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.

Only one person can see us through the darkness in times like this, and that's Michael Schoeffling. Knowing what we know now, wouldn't we all rather things had gone a little better for him? Think HE'D be embarrassing himself on Oprah's sofa, or debating neurochemistry with Matt Lauer? Aw, hell to the no.

Where have you gone, Jake Ryan? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you.