I'm in NYC. If that thought makes you jealous, just get into an oven with a big bucket of bum urine, and smoke.

Last night marked the end of the Upright Citizens Brigade's 7th Annual Del Close Improv Marathon, to which hundreds of comics came from all over the country to creep me out a little. Honestly, I'm so tired of improv I'm not even going to make up things to say conversationally in real life for a couple of weeks.

Also, I need everyone's help with some slang issues. I'm getting a little sick of the overuse and subsequent cheapening of the word LITERALLY. As in, "I met this guy last night who was LITERALLY thirty feet tall," "Lance Armstrong is LITERALLY setting the cycling world on fire," or "I have been a fan of The Arcade Fire LITERALLY forever." No you didn't, no he isn't, and nobody really likes The Arcade Fire.

Instead, I want us all to start using FIGURATIVELY, and with the same gusto. As in, "I slept for FIGURATIVELY 25 hours last night," "It is so hot in New York I FIGURATIVELY turned into clam chowder," or "If one more person tells me about how they get The Arcade Fire like nobody else does, I will FIGURATIVELY implode from boredom."

Thank you for your quick attention to this matter. And while we're at it, "your" and "you're" are different words.